Monday, January 24, 2011

A few more rambling thoughts...

I wanted to give a little "follow-up" update to process all the emotions that I've experienced over the past week and a half. I've definitely had my teary, painful moments dealing with not being pregnant anymore. A lot of this may be recovery from my D&C, and just feeling more crampy, exhausted, and hormonal through the week...and a lot of it may just be the normal grieving process. But, I would never want to give the impression that this has just been so easy for me because I trust God. Although I 100%, with all my heart, still trust in God's goodness, His Sovereignty, and His perfect plan for my life, that does NOT take away from the fact that this whole thing has been HARD and PAINFUL. God IS GOOD, but this season will still have it's rough parts...in fact, I'm sure I'm going to wonder and think about that baby for the rest of my life!
I tend to think to myself, "get over it Mindy. SO many women have been through this. It's so common!" But, I've learned that no matter how common it is or how flippantly we throw around the term "miscarriage", it's still PERSONAL to the woman who is experiencing it. From the moment I found out I was pregnant, I couldn't stop thinking about that baby. I pretty much had their whole life planned out in my head!! Already planning summer birthday parties, and joint parties with my niece, Olivia, because their birthdays would be so close together! I was thrilled that I was going to have a summer baby so they could be old for their grade and be at the top of the class. (haha) I was already planning Lyla's big girl room and dreaming of the next nursery. I already imagined how fun it would be for this baby to be SO CLOSE in age to Ali and Julia's babies and to have cousins that were so close...and to walk through the newborn stage all over again with them. I just got SO excited about the thought of having another little newborn in the house and to see Lyla as a big sister. And for them to be so close in age, like my brother and I were. You get the idea. My Grandmama wrote me the sweetest, most encouraging letter and she said, "Excitement turned to disappointment is hard to handle in our own strength. How blessed we are to be children of the King who Sovereignly watches over us." Well said, Grandmama! I kept thinking about that..."excitement turned to disappointment." And it happens in a blink!! My friend Laura wrote to me: "I know how painful and joyless it is to get a surgery to remove a joy you had just days earlier...it is a 'routine' event for the surgeons, but not for the mother bearing the child." So, all this to say...I have a new-found sympathy for the multitude of women out there who have gone through this!! And I am truly thankful that I can now sympathize with them and know how they feel. Just one more thought...I have LOVED reading through Psalms during this time. If you are going through a hard time right now, I encourage you to do the same. It's full of people who are struggling through life as well and are honest about it, but always bring their attention and praise back to God, and that He is always worthy of Praise. His grace is sufficient!!!!! (I love Psalm 139 that says "our days were numbered before one of them came to be"...He knew the plan He had for that little baby in my womb.) And my heart still fully REJOICES in HIM!! I truly am still thankful for these trials because they draw us closer to Him! To Him be the Glory forever.

Once again, thanks for letting me ramble.

5 comments:

  1. Amen! Just hold on and experience the good and the bad with God holding you tight. :)

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  2. Thanks for being honest and still praising God. That is refreshing! You are (have) a treasure. ;)

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  3. Oh Mindy! I am just now reading your blog for the first time in a while. I am so, so, so sorry. If I had known Sunday at church, I would've hugged your neck so hard! I'm so sorry. I too love the Psalms and have read and thought about them so much lately through some of the emotional issues I've been dealing with lately. I think Psalms is such a gift from God; to show us that men who were the closest with him struggled in understanding his sovereign plan when it all seemed so skewed in their eyes. I'll be praying for you and John David. Thank you for being honest!

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  4. Love you friend! You are so strong and your faith is so inspiring to us all.

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