Thursday, January 13, 2011

processing...

I found out some sad news today, and for some reason it sounds therapeutic to blog about it. I've always been a big journaler because it helps me to process my thoughts through writing, so today I'm going to just share my thoughts and feelings with the blogworld out there. Truly, this is mostly just for myself. This blog is a record of our life, and this is a part of our journey, so I wanted to write this out while it was fresh. So, here goes...

Let me start by saying that for those of you that don't know, I found out I was pregnant the day before Thanksgiving. It was our first month to try for a second child, and we were beyond thrilled that it happened so quickly. I immediately couldn't wait to share the news with my family. Since everyone was spread out all over the country for the Holidays, I decided the best way was just to email them this picture...

It was followed by lots of fun phone calls and squeels. We then called my super creative friend, Sarah Boyce, to make a "Big Sis" onesie for Lyla to wear to Thanksgiving with John David's family. It of course turned out so cute. So, we showed up to the Thanksgiving festivities with Lyla wearing this to make the big announcement...

Again, so fun and exciting!!

Since finding out, I've been more tired than I have ever been in my life, experienced the occasional nausea, taken my prenatals every night, and I even started to grow a little bump. I have lots of pregnant friends right now, so it's been extra fun to experience all these things together. I've been so looking forward to my Dr.'s appointment today, when I would finally hear a heartbeat and see an ultrasound and everything would feel official. I turned 11 weeks yesterday...

So, today, my appointment finally arrived. My doctor began the ultrasound and all we saw on the screen was a big black hole. He kept moving it around, and after what felt like about 5 minutes, I finally said, "I don't see a baby." (no response...tears began to fill my eyes) He finally stopped looking for a baby and explained to me that I have a Blighted Ovum. For those of you that are curious, you can read more about it here. But, basically, it means (to the best of my knowledge) that there was a fertilized egg that was implanted into the uterus and grew a pregnancy sac, but that it never developed into an actual embryo. However, because there was a sac and a placenta and all the hormones there, my body continued to think that I was pregnant. Everything continued to grow as if there were a baby in there. That's why I've had all the usual pregnancy symptoms and even a little bump. It's all still very weird and confusing to me, but I've truly had an overwhelming sense of peace that I KNOW could only come from the Lord. I absolutely LOVE moments like this...when I know that in my flesh, I should be freaking out, but God just covers me with His Grace and gives me strength and optimism and faith that I didn't even know I had. Dr. Hix also said the most precious prayer for us at the end of the appointment...I'm so thankful for him.
So, after the news, we proceeded to prepare for me to have a D and C tomorrow. I went straight to give blood and continue with all the pre-op procedures. I continued to be pretty teary through all of this because it all just seemed so surreal...like I was in a dream. The surgery will be tomorrow at noon. I know everything will be fine and it's such a common procedure, but any and all prayers would still be appreciated! :)

As we left the hospital, I felt like all I wanted to do was go home, curl up in a ball, and just sob. But, God continued to be so near and sweet to me. My Aunt Linny (who lives in Nebraska and I haven't seen in over a year) called as we were leaving the hospital and said that she and my Uncle Scott were at the Chick-fil-a in Fayetteville, just driving through. It was JUST what my heart needed at that moment...to see family that I love so much, to get huge hugs from them, some chicken nuggets in my belly, and to laugh over fun conversation and just kinda get my mind off of things. Such a fun gift from the Lord.

Since I've been home, I just feel overwhelmed with love and gratitude. God is SO GOOD and His plan is so much better than we could ever imagine. I know that our lives...even the little life of that tiny little fertilized egg...is in His Sovereign hands, and with all my heart, I trust that this was part of His plan for our lives. That somehow He will be glorified through this. I have felt so blessed and loved by my family and friends. I'm so thankful for Margot, that she was able and willing to watch Lyla all day today and all day tomorrow and that I don't have to worry about her. I can just KNOW that she is in great hands. I'm thankful for Lyla...that God has blessed us with a healthy baby and that I know that my body is able to carry a pregnancy. I'm thankful for John David and the incredible support and rock and comfort he's been through this. I'm thankful for my sweet family and friends, and the comforting, encouraging phone conversations we've had throughout the day. Truly, all in all, I oddly enough just feel really thankful. Again, God is GOOD!!! All the time. Even when life doesn't make a whole lot of sense.

Thanks for letting me ramble.

18 comments:

  1. Sorry to here about your loss, Mindy! Lyla is so blessed to have such a faithful, sweet mommy who turns to the Lord even in times of pain. Praying for you guys and that your surgery goes well tomorrow!

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  2. Hi Mindy, though I have only met you once, Jerry and I love John David so much, he is just the sweetest guy! I got addicted to your blog several months ago and love reading all about Lyla.She is precious! Ali had told me that you were pregnant and I was so happy for you. I know you will get through this with Gods grace. We will be praying for you tomorrow and in the following days. Give JD a big hug from us.
    Lisa McGuire, your faithful follower! :)!

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  3. Saying prayers and crying tears. Thanks for sharing. I will be thinking about you tomorrow.

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  4. My prayers are with you guys. I have been exactly where you are today and where you will be tomorrow about 20 years ago, two different times. You described it all precisely. My eyes filled with tears while reading your blog because my heart hurts for you. You are such an awesome person and God will carry you and John David through. Just thought it would help to know someone that can sympathize with you.
    By the way, Lyla is beautiful. :)
    Oh yea, and this is Micah's sister, Angela, in case you didn't know who Aunt LeeLee is! ha :) Take care.

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  5. Oh Mindy... my heart is broken for you!!! I'm so sorry for your loss, and I will most definitely be praying for your procedure tomorrow. I can't imagine all of the emotions that you are feeling right now. Praying the Lord's peace over you, John David, and little Lyla!

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  6. We've never met, but I'm a faithful reader of your blog :) I went to highschool with Ali and John David. I love keeping up with Lyla..she is adorable. I'm so sorry and will be keeping you in my prayers. I know it can't be easy, but I know you have a wonderful support system!

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  7. We're praying for you and love you guys lots!

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  8. Oh sweet Mindy...I know what you feel about God's grace in situations where you should be falling apart!!! We have lived there and we have made it through and you will to. God is good and he is in control. I will be in prayer for you and your family! Love you lady!!!

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  9. Precious friend. Praying for you guys as I fall asleep tonight. My heart is so heavy for you. I know the emptiness you feel right now along with the peace that everything happens for a reason. I'm SO glad you have precious lyla to come home to and hug and kiss on... An ever present reminder of Gods love and faithfullness AND that you can have perfect babies! I just hurt for you bc I've walked in your shoes and until you've been in the spot you can't begin to grasp the roller coaster of feelings. I'm praying for surgery tomorrow and some good rest. Love you both. You are very lucky to have that good man by your side! Loveyou friend

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  10. I love you Mindy!! I've been right where you are and I just hate that you are there now :( I am so thankful that you are feeling God's grace in the midst of it!! Love you so much!

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  11. Mindy, I am so sorry for what you are going through right now. Please know that I am praying for you, your family, and that God will bless you with a healthy sibling for Lyla in the near future. My heart is just broken, but you are so right; God gives us faith and peace when we least expect it. Lifting you up today!

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  12. wiping tears off my cheeks, once again over how PRECIOUS YOU ARE and how sweet, tender and personal our loving Savior is! Wish I could be there today with all my heart! Praying for you all morning and afternoon...that you'll be brave and filled with peace. WE LOVE YOU BLAGGS! Will be eager for an update later today.

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  13. I'm so sorry you're going through this, Mindy. Praying for you guys.

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  14. Mindy, Adam and I have and will continue to says prayers for you, John David and Lyla. I can't imagine what you are going through, but you have given so many people, including myself, so much hope and peace. You have shown that God is good through everything. He will continue to carry you as long as you need him. Thanks for being such an amazing inspiration to so many. I know God has such wonderful plans for you and your family!! If you need ANYTHING please do not hesitate to ask!! I am home and would love to help. Even if you just need someone to watch Lyla. She would be a big help with Porter!!

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  15. Hi Mindy - I'm a Texarkana/Tulsa/Fayetteville girl..(went to school with John David and Margot's sister helped introduce me to my husband...small world). Anyways, just wanted to let you know I am praying for you guys and you seem so strong to have gone through this and with so much grace. Your faith shines and God does have a plan for us all! xoxo

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