Tuesday, May 3, 2011

Where I process my thoughts at the moment...

I haven't written about the loss of our baby in a long time, and that's not because I don't think about it every single day...on some days, it consumes my thoughts. God's been teaching me a lot lately about trusting in Him. It's amazing how my thoughts can be so negative and "woe is me-ish" when my mind is on myself. And I'm so thankful for God's Grace to pull me out of that mindset and FIX MY EYES ON HIM. When my mind is set on things above and I am in His Word and devoted to prayer, He puts things into perspective for me and allows me to see the bigger picture. If only I stayed in that mindset ALL the time...I'd save myself a whole lot of worry and anxiety and self-pity.

The past few months have been hard because we've started "trying" again to get pregnant. My heart was so full of bitterness and frustration that I had to start all over with the whole process...which is really so stupid because we got pregnant so quickly with the last pregnancy. But, still, it worked. And I don't know how long it's going to take until it works again. (this is where the trusting God part comes in.) In my mind, I've always wanted my kids 2 years apart. Always. In my eyes, this is just how families are supposed to be. (ha!) My brother and I are less than 2 years apart and we were SO close growing up. I loved being in youth group together, going to summer camp together, riding with him to school, etc. And so, the longer it's taking me to get pregnant, the more anxiety I have about them being far apart in age.

I had a conversation with my mom and Whitney this past weekend about it, and they said something that has completely changed my view on it and has helped so much. First of all, my mom reminded me of the simple fact that God's plan is PERFECT. period. perfect. It may not make sense all the time, but nonetheless, it's perfect. The Bible is FULL of examples where things do not seem to make any sense for people, and yet, when you are able to see the bigger picture, you see how God was working it all for good. They also reminded me that because of His perfect plan, HE knows what grade in school they need to be in...and it may not be exactly 2 grades below Lyla! :) Your grade in school determines so much...future friends, future spouse, etc. Again, God sees this bigger picture and knows exactly when He wants us to conceive and exactly when He wants this child to be born. So, I'm slowly letting go of this mindset I've clung to that they must be close in age. Because what I want more than that is to be in God's perfect will and to trust in Him.

I've been reading a daily devotional book called "Jesus Calling" by Sarah Young. If you are looking for something to direct your time with the Lord, I HIGHLY recommend this book! If I were rich, I'd buy 100 copies and just hand them out to everyone I know. Every day, it has encouraging words written as if Jesus is talking to you, based on Scripture. What I love about it is that it gives me a practical thought from God's Word to truly meditate on and think about all day long. A few days ago, it said "The secret of being thankful is learning to see everything from My perspective." I mean, just that sentence alone is full of such great truth and would be life changing if I would apply it!

Again, I'm so thankful for trials so that we can grow closer to the Lord. And I don't want to miss out on what He wants to teach me because my mind is too busy focusing on my circumstances. I want to see things from His perspective. And I know that His plan is way better than my own. Jesus, give me the faith to trust in You!! Amen.

7 comments:

  1. I LOVE that devotional, and God's voice speaks through every day. I admire your perspective and desires, Mindy! Praying for you and this journey.

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  2. Sweet Mindy, you are such an inspiration!

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  3. praying for you my sweet friend! I have been right where you are and it is so, so hard. The hardest part of losing a baby, for me, was the fear in trying again and the fear of something going wrong once I got pregnant again. I'm so thankful for your faithfulness and your trust in His will!
    The baby I lost would have been 2 years behind Noah in school, which was "ideal" to me. Sam missed the cut by 30 days and so they will be 3 grades apart. I'm so thankful though that GOD knows better than me and that our family is ideal to HIM--which makes it ideal to me!

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  4. In agreement with the last three comments...you seriously are an inspiration. Although I have not gone down the road you are travelling, I (as you know) have other struggles and if only I could constantly remain in the state of giving it all to God and trusting in Him that his plan is perfect. But what a great feeling it is everytime we remind ourselves that He is in control. I just need to remind myself more often. :) I love you!!

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  5. Mindy, well said!! your candid thoughts are so inspirational! Lyla is so, so blessed to have y'all as parents.

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  6. Mindy, I've lost two pregnancies in this first year of marriage, so I know exactly how you feel. I recently read the book "Heaven Is For Real" and I highly recommend it. It really puts things into perspective and helps us to remember that we will be reunited with our children one day in Heaven and it will be grand!

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  7. Minds, thanks for this update. I've been meaning to ask. Secondly, both books mentioned (Jesus Calling and Heaven Is for Real) are Thomas Nelson books. I can get them for you at 25% of the retail price. Just saying.

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